Okay, I’m worried. I’m a liberal Democrat, so I want Barack Obama to win in November, but according to actor Chuck Norris, Americans will face “one thousand years of darkness” if the President is re-elected.
Given my present age, I’d only be around for maybe 30 of those years — less, if I don’t stop eating so much chocolate. Still, that’s a lot of darkness. So I have some questions and concerns.
If Obama wins and a black, USA-shaped cloud covers our part of the continent, Americans will start sneaking across the border into Mexico. And then Mexicans will creep up on anyone who’s speaking English and drop a blanket over his head. “No free light for you, señor, who did not want us to pick your lettuce!”
What kind of crazy-ass glasses will we need to wear in the new Dark Age? I’m picturing night-vision goggles sprouting a metal superstructure with a battery-operated headlamp clamped onto it, like the ones that miners wear.
You’ll be out walking around – it will be too dark to drive, a real bummer for the suburbs – trying to find your way to the grocery store to buy some chocolate, and you’ll keep running into people. “Oh, sorry! Didn’t mean to grope your [breast / bum / penis], but I keep forgetting to charge my headlamp.”
Another concern, plus an unexpected benefit
Foreigners won’t be willing to wear our crazy-ass glasses just to see Times Square not lit up, ride a cable car in the dark, or fall into the Grand Canyon (whoops! Who knew that was there?). We will lose tourist dollars!
On the other hand, our skin will be amazing. No sun damage! When we go abroad, still wearing our night goggles to protect our eyes from the unaccustomed light, people will recognize us instantly as Americans. (Although I suspect this is already kind of true.)
Okay, I know Mr. Norris was speaking metaphorically
He’s worried that “our country as we know it may be lost forever.”
Look, it’s hard to remember in the United States, which is so very young, but civilizations come and, eventually and inevitably, go. Take Britain, for example.
Stone Age Briton, as he watches the Celts arrive: “I fear that our country as we know it may be lost forever. Will the people who come after us understand the meaning of our beautiful stone circles?”
Celt, as she watches the Romans arrive: “I fear they’re going to cover our country with unnecessary roads.”
Romano-Celts, watching the Angles and Saxons arrive: “So now we have to speak German? It’s the end of our country as we know it!”
Anglo-Saxon-Romano-Celts, watching the Normans arrive: “Bugger. Here come the French.”
Just a few hundred years ago, Native Americans lost their country, as they knew it, forever. For that matter, some of us liberals are afraid that we’re about to lose our country forever. Different strokes for different folks, as Sly sang with the Family Stone. And so on, and so on, and scooby-dooby-dooby.
Can we agree to disagree?
Probably not. But because I’m a liberal and therefore keen on fair play, I need to mention that according to Wikipedia, Chuck Norris has made significant contributions to organizations such as Funds for Kids, Veteran’s Administration National Salute to Hospitalized Veterans, the United Way, the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and the Vijay Amritraj Foundation.
This is considerably more good in the world than I’ve accomplished. Bravo, Mr. Norris. Let’s hope that no matter who wins in November, we will all continue to live in the light.