Of the children killed by guns in the industrialized world, 87% are killed in the United States of America. – The Children’s Defense Fund
News bulletin, December 15, 2012
A man-eating tiger rampaged through a junior high school in Burkhart, California, today, killing 13 children, a cafeteria worker, and a man who was delivering an anchovy pizza to the principal. After consuming the pizza, the tiger devoured its owner, Mort Wheeple, before escaping into the countryside.
“Now is not the time to talk about man-eating tiger control,” said a government spokesman. “We need to offer support to the families of the victims, at least until it’s time to switch our support to the families of the next victims.”
Asked when it will be time to talk about man-eating tiger control, he said, “Go away now. I’m praying for the victims.”
Speaking from the afterworld, a spokeschild for the victims said that prayers were “nice, but kind of pointless, because we’re, like, already in Heaven. You should pray for yourselves,” added Mackenzie “Mint” Julep, aged 12. “You’re the ones who are still down there with all the guns and man-eating tigers.”
The Burkhart tragedy has once again called into question that part of the 2nd Amendment which states: “The company of animals being conducive to the well-being of humanity, the right of the people to keep and travel with pets shall not be infringed.”
A spokeswoman for NARCOPEP – the National Association for Regulation and Control of People-Eating Pets – had this to say about the 2nd Amendment: “What our Founding Fathers had in mind was cats, dogs, and goldfish. They weren’t envisioning a day when half the country would be walking around with man-eating tigers.”
Nonsense, responded Butch “Cassidy” Dragoon, chairman of Man-Eating Tigers and Firearms Ongoing Rights. “What America needs is more man-eating tigers. If every teacher in that school had had a man-eating tiger … well, everyone would have been eaten, but that doesn’t alter our 2nd Amendment rights.
“As we say at METAFOR,” Mr. Dragoon continued, “man-eating tigers don’t kill people. People who own man-eating tigers kill people. Clearly, this Mort Wheeple was unbalanced. If he hadn’t had a tiger, he’d have used a gun.”
When it was pointed out to him that although every country has unbalanced people, children aged 5 to 14 in America are 13 times more likely to be murdered with guns than children in other industrialized countries, Mr. Dragoon said, “That’s because we don’t have enough guns and man-eating tigers.”
Asked if the American people shouldn’t have the right not to be killed by guns or man-eating tigers, Mr. Dragoon said, “Go away now. I’m praying for the victims.”
As has happened after every such tragedy, sales of man-eating tigers soared. “I dunno,” said Sukie Pinwhistle, 32, as she waited in line outside Ravenous Beasts “R” Us. “After my boyfriend and my quilting teacher got killed by tigers, I figured I need a tiger for protection.”
Having reached the end of my patience, I informed Ms. Pinwhistle that her reasoning was specious. She told me to go away. “I’m praying for the victims,” she said. “And I’m about to reach the door.”
“Tell American grownups,” said Mackenzie Julep, “that we want serious control of guns and man-eating tigers, so other kids won’t die crying and begging for our lives the way we did.
“Also, please tell our families, we really miss them.”