Funding withdrawn, apology to follow

February 3rd, 2012 § 6

“Caught in a maelstrom of public reaction to its decision to cease funding Planned Parenthood, the Susan G. Komen for the Cure foundation announced Friday that it would reverse course.” — Washington Post

you’re on your own now, pet

In a surprising departure from past practice, the Rhiannon A. Paine Foundation for Admirable Causes (RAPFAC) has decided to cut off funding for Luna, the organization’s resident cat.

Interviewed in her office, founder Rhiannon Paine acknowledged that Luna provides worthwhile services. “She gives good purr, and some of the flies she chases do leave through the French doors,” Paine said. “But she also gets these gnarly fur mats that have to be shaved off. It makes her look like she’s got the mange.

Not fur enough

“After all,” elaborated Paine, who was wearing a cocoa-stained T-shirt and bifocals that looked as if they hadn’t been cleaned since the Clinton administration, “I got a cat so that at least one member of the foundation would be well groomed.”

Asked if she was concerned that without funding, Luna would cease to render any services at all, Paine demurred. “She can catch voles and things, can’t she?”

hold the salsa

Tough times are in store for taqueria El Matador Muy Loco, which will no longer be receiving weekly grants from RAPFAC, according to a bulletin today from founder Rhiannon Paine. “We realize that times are tough, belts must be tightened, and corners must be cut,” said Paine. “I myself an economizing by recycling clichés instead of making up my own phrases.

“But when a restaurant pads out its burritos with insect parts, it’s gone too far.”

if you forget her silly birthday, she will fuss

The founder of the Rhiannon A. Paine Foundation for Admirable Causes is cutting ties with “all those lazy ‘friends’ who couldn’t be bothered to send me a birthday card. And that goes double for my followers on Twitter.”

Effective today, the friends and followers will no longer be supported with humorous email messages, witty tweets, and phone calls that convey affection and concern.

“You don’t-a-remember my birthday, I don’t-a-remember yours,” snapped Rhiannon Paine, employing a bad Italian accent for reasons this reporter didn’t care to inquire into.

“It was an awful birthday,” she added, pushing her bifocals up her nose. “Only eight cards, five phone calls, two bouquets, a couple of tweets, and a few email messages. And I haven’t seen my cat for days.”

hello kitty!

After several weeks in which no one noticed the recent funding cuts by the Rhiannon A. Paine Foundation for Admirable Causes, founder Rhiannon Paine has decided to resume donations to Luna, the staff cat. “She’s been with a neighbor, being fed with grilled salmon. She didn’t want to come home with me, but that’s what pet crates are for.

“I’ve made her a little skirt to cover her shaved rear end, and I’ve bought a special cat brush called the Furminator. I’m sure I’ve made the right choice. Luna! Stop yowling!”

sorry, sorry, sorry

Following a negligible flurry in the social media, RAPFAC has chosen to resume support for all friends and followers. The decision was taken, confessed founder Rhiannon Paine, “because the friends who didn’t send birthday cards said that I hadn’t remembered their birthdays for years, and my followers tweeted that they DON’T EVEN KNOW MY FREAKING BIRTHDAY.

“Yes, some of them resorted to all caps. Harsh! RAPFAC apologizes to anyone who was offended and assures them that there was no political intent.”

with extra guacamole

RAPFAC founder Rhiannon Paine was spotted this evening carrying a plastic bag out of El Matador Muy Loco. “Yes, I have resumed funding,” she admitted. “It turns out the ‘insect parts’ are black beans. But I was trying to keep this on the down-low. I don’t know why you keep following me around, visiting my office, and peering intently at my bifocals.

In fact, I’m going to withdraw my funding from you. Good night.”

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§ 6 Responses to “Funding withdrawn, apology to follow”

  • Perry Block says:

    Happy Birthday, Rhiannon, whenever it was!

  • Rosalie says:

    Oh, I didn’t know it was your Birthday ! Please accept this fur-ball filled burrito by way of apology and this half-groat coin towards funding !!

    Hope you had a Happy Birthday honey !! xxx

  • Rhiannon says:

    Thank you, Perry and Rosalie! To forestall any reciprocal funding cuts, let me wish you both the happiest of birthdays. And now I’m off to eat my fur-ball burrito and spend my half-groat.

  • Margot says:

    This was hilarious! xoxo and happy day-I-didn’t-know-when-it-was-but-you-don’t-know-when-mine-is-either-so-there, m.

  • Rhiannon says:

    Absolutely right, Margot. Although if you start feeling guilty regardless and you’re in a gift-giving mood, I could use a new laptop.

  • Erin Perry says:

    Well really, how would one tell the difference between black beans and insect parts? Hold out for pintos!
    Erin in Morro Bay

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