“Caught in a maelstrom of public reaction to its decision to cease funding Planned Parenthood, the Susan G. Komen for the Cure foundation announced Friday that it would reverse course.” — Washington Post
You’re on your own now, pet
In a surprising departure from past practice, the Rhiannon A. Paine Foundation for Admirable Causes (RAPFAC) has decided to cut off funding for Luna, the organization’s resident cat.
Interviewed in her office, founder Rhiannon Paine acknowledged that Luna provides worthwhile services. “She gives good purr, and some of the flies she chases do leave through the French doors,” Paine said. “But she also gets these gnarly fur mats that have to be shaved off. It makes her look like she’s got the mange.
“After all,” elaborated Paine, who was wearing a cocoa-stained T-shirt and bifocals that looked as if they hadn’t been cleaned since the Clinton administration, “I got a cat so that at least one member of the foundation would be well groomed.”
Asked if she was concerned that without funding, Luna would cease to render any services at all, Paine demurred. “She can catch voles and things, can’t she?”
Hold the salsa
Tough times are in store for taqueria El Matador Muy Loco, which will no longer be receiving weekly grants from RAPFAC, according to a bulletin today from founder Rhiannon Paine. “We realize that times are tough, belts must be tightened, and corners must be cut,” said Paine. “I myself an economizing by recycling clichés instead of making up my own phrases.
“But when a restaurant pads out its burritos with insect parts, it’s gone too far.”
If you forget her silly birthday, she will fuss
The founder of the Rhiannon A. Paine Foundation for Admirable Causes is cutting ties with “all those lazy ‘friends’ who couldn’t be bothered to send me a birthday card. And that goes double for my followers on Twitter.”
“You don’t-a-remember my birthday, I don’t-a-remember yours,” snapped Rhiannon Paine, employing a bad Italian accent for reasons this reporter didn’t care to inquire into.
“It was an awful birthday,” she added, pushing her bifocals up her nose. “Only eight cards, five phone calls, two bouquets, a couple of tweets, and a few email messages. And I haven’t seen my cat for days.”
After several weeks in which no one noticed the recent funding cuts by the Rhiannon A. Paine Foundation for Admirable Causes, founder Rhiannon Paine has decided to resume donations to Luna, the staff cat. “She’s been with a neighbor, being fed with grilled salmon. She didn’t want to come home with me, but that’s what pet crates are for.
“I’ve made her a little skirt to cover her shaved rear end, and I’ve bought a special cat brush called the Furminator. I’m sure I’ve made the right choice. Luna! Stop yowling!”
Sorry, sorry, sorry
Following a negligible flurry in the social media, RAPFAC has chosen to resume support for all friends and followers. The decision was taken, confessed founder Rhiannon Paine, “because the friends who didn’t send birthday cards said that I hadn’t remembered their birthdays for years, and my followers tweeted that they DON’T EVEN KNOW MY FREAKING BIRTHDAY.
“Yes, some of them resorted to all caps. Harsh! RAPFAC apologizes to anyone who was offended and assures them that there was no political intent.”
With extra guacamole
RAPFAC founder Rhiannon Paine was spotted this evening carrying a plastic bag out of El Matador Muy Loco. “Yes, I have resumed funding,” she admitted. “It turns out the ‘insect parts’ are black beans. But I was trying to keep this on the down-low. I don’t know why you keep following me around, visiting my office, and peering intently at my bifocals.
In fact, I’m going to withdraw my funding from you. Good night.”