“Swiss cows send texts to announce they’re in heat” reveals the New York Times, and adds that these phone-savvy cows are often named “Fiona” and “Bella.”
Picture, then, a pasture on the slope of a particularly picturesque Alp (did I just invent a new tongue-twister?). The farmer is drinking a mug of Swiss hot chocolate when his cell phone pings. The following text-message exchange ensues.
Bella: Yo!
Farmer: Sup?
Bella: I’m in heat.
Farmer: Now?
Bella: YES.
Farmer: Can U wait?
Bella: NO.
Farmer: Just give me half an hour.
Bella: Bull. Here. NOW.
Farmer: The bull is, um, Skyping.
Bella: WTF?
Farmer: With his brother in Zurich.
Bella: He’s with Fiona isn’t he.
Farmer: Now don’t get your udders in a twist –
Bella: STFU!
Farmer: Chill, Bella. You’ll sour your milk.
Bella: Bring me the bull or I’ll sour your effing FARM.
Fiona: Yodel-lay-de-hoo.
Farmer: Done already? How did it go?
Fiona: I’ve had better. And longer. Talk about your In-N-Out burger.
Farmer: How’s the bull?
Fiona: Knackered. Passed out. Snoring. Not even a cud-dle.
Farmer: OMG.
Fiona: Cud-dle. Do you see what I did there?
Farmer: Wake him up!
Fiona: Fat chance. Look, I’m still in the moo’d here.
Farmer: What?
Fiona: In the moo’d? For love? Oh FFS. I’m still in heat, you noodle.
Farmer: FML.
Fiona: What R U going to do about it?
Bella: Yo! I’ve just knocked the door of my stall down.
Farmer: No!
Bella: And now I’m going to set the hay on fire. U know, with this HEAT that I’m in.
Farmer: Look, the bull’s a dud.
Bella: Stud?
Farmer: Dud.
Bella: R U kidding me?
Farmer: He’s asleep. Fiona’s still in heat. I know U don’t care about my problems, but -–
Bella: Fiona’s still in heat?
Farmer: Yes.
Bella: In her stall?
Farmer: Yes.
Bella: L8R.
