Lament of the American Dementors

Since the election on Tuesday, free-floating and malevolent creatures have been flapping all over Fox News on their right wings, talking in circles and banging into each other.

For months, these American Dementors, our far-right pundits, have been trying to suck out our souls and forcing us to relive our worst memories: Watergate! Hanging chads! Weapons of mass destruction! Now they’ve turned from venting to lamenting.

Didn’t they almost have it all?

Ask not for whom the banshee wails
“The white establishment is now the minority,” keened Bill O’Reilly, ears cocked to the banshees’ wail for his own personal America.

“If Mitt Romney cannot win in this economy,” moaned Ann Coulter, “there is no hope.”

A grieving Rush Limbaugh “went to bed last night thinking we’re outnumbered, we’ve lost the country.” Were you able to sleep, Rush? Even without your Oxycontin?

Karl Rove tried denial. No sir, Ohio would tilt for Romney. “C’mon,” you could see him thinking, “the machines have been fixed! Haven’t they? Fuck, do I have to do everything myself?”

Dementors are blind, so they can’t see in themselves the faults they project onto their enemies. And because they have only primitive feelings, they can’t woo or reason or persuade; they can only attack.

Women are stupid!

Ann says, give it up, girls!

To secure women’s votes for Romney, Ann Coulter thought it would be a good idea to tell women they’re too stupid to vote. “I think [women] should be armed but should not vote,” she pontificated. “Women have no capacity to understand how money is earned. They have a lot of ideas on how to spend it … more money on education, more money on child care.”

Well, that’s women for you. Always thinking about their children, the selfish bitches. Without them, we’d have a one-party state: very American.

But apparently it’s not stupid to give stupid people guns, or to call them stupid when your side needs their votes, or even when you’re one of them. I know you’re blind, Ann, but feel around. You’ll find you’re a woman.

Blacks and Latinos are greedy!

Bill O’Reilly was also keen to help Romney win the women’s vote, as well as the black and Latino vote. He did this by telling us we’re greedy. We “want stuff” and “feel entitled to things,” but we shouldn’t, because we’re not.

The real Bill. Toss him a coin.
Bill, you see, is a closet Buddhist. He hates being on TV in expensive suits, earning big bucks and sounding emphatically entitled to have his opinions heard. If only he could go live in a cave, clad in a loincloth, subsisting on roots and berries!

But he’s doing it for the kids: the male kids of all the white men who don’t “want stuff” or “feel entitled to things.” He sees a lot of these selfless, ascetic men in boardrooms, on private jets, and at the country club, and he’s got their pale-skinned backs.

Democrats are slackers!

Ann’s bummed that “we have more takers than makers.” Ann and her ilk are “makers” because they talk on TV about how much they love America, except for the 47% – oops, make that 50.5% – of their fellow citizens who are grasping, pathetic losers.

So that was their cunning plan. Instead of explaining their ideas and backing them up with facts, if they’re capable of recognizing one, the Dementors decided to spew insults at us. It worked with the racists and homophobes and “keep your guv’mint hands off my Social Security” crowd, and with fiscal conservatives who have no one else to vote for now that the Republicans have morphed into a Mad Fat-cats’ Tea Party.

And all around you, a voice is sounding

But, Rush, you’re right. You are outnumbered. By the jobless, the homeless, and the Americans who are waiting for Obamacare to kick in so they can finally afford health insurance. By the children who go to school hungry in “the greatest nation on earth” and the parents who can’t afford to feed them. By the people who are doing all right, thank you, but want everyone else to do all right too.

Redwood forests, Gulf stream waters

And by all the blacks, Latinos, gays, Asians, Native Americans, and women who are not, I’m guessing, Rush, what you mean when you say “we.”

Threaten us all you want, Dementors. Call us lazy, greedy, godless, selfish, too stupid to vote, too dumb to live. But it’s our country too, and our imperiled planet, which we share with lots of other people who can’t vote in our elections and don’t deserve to be soul-sucked by the likes of you.

This land is our land, from California to the New York islands. And we’re taking it back.

Expecto patronum!

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2 thoughts on “Lament of the American Dementors

  1. Wow, this was GREAT! The more righteously outraged you are, the more eloquent. This gave me chills (the good kind) and tears by the end. Thank you.

  2. Thank you, Margot. The Dementors have got my dander up with their lying, mean-spirited attacks on my fellow Americans (including my friends and neighbors). And I’m not even sure what my dander is!

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