“[Starbucks] Chairman Howard Schultz says he intends to glamorize juice ‘in the same tonality that we have reinvented, over the last 40 years, the basic commodity of coffee.’” – Katy Waldman for Slate
Dear Howard Schultz,
My name is Rhiannon Paine. I’m a writer, senior citizen, and Californian with a slight English accent … actually several English accents, though mostly Oxbridge and Liverpool. (Yes, I know. Odd combo. Kind of like a vanilla frap if you threw in some kale.)
I am descended from a lot of very pale people (I don’t know, maybe they lived in mines or something), and California gets a lot of sun. Did you know that, over time, sunlight ages skin? Especially pale skin.
Don’t trust the website photo
My hair is white, I wear trifocals, and during the 40 years that you’ve been purveying coffee, more than half of the sand has settled to the bottom of my hourglass figure.
My wardrobe consists mostly of jeans and T-shirts, which are, worryingly, perhaps no longer age-appropriate? I’m indifferent to shoes, hate handbags, and can’t be bothered to own more than one pair of earrings. And I’m a lipstick feminist who has never learned how to apply lipstick properly, so some of it ends up on my teeth.
Are you getting the picture, Mr. Schultz? Do I need to spell it out for you? Is it possible to spell out a picture, or am I mixing my metaphors here?
Okay, i’ll spell it out for you
I’m a basic commodity crying out to be glamorized, and you’re faffing around with JUICE?
Look, Howard – is it okay if I call you Howard? – people can throw produce into blenders all by themselves. I have no idea why they’d want to do that when it’s so much easier to just eat food. I don’t know their lives. But I do know they don’t need to have juice reinvented for them.
All right, let’s say they do. Leave it to me.
This is me glamorizing juice in a Starbucks tonality
“Hey, you!” I will say. “You feel your body needs cleansing? Prunes, All-Bran, and liquid soap. Blend!”
Or, “You’re low on energy and you think juice will help? Hot fudge sauce, Red Bull, and chili peppers! Blend!”
Or, “You want to lose weight? Water, teabags, ice cubes, and lettuce. Blend!”
And that leaves you free, Howie, to glamorize me. Preferably in the same tonality that you have reinvented coffee.
I’m thinking tall. I’m thinking mocha. And I’m most definitely thinking hot.