Finally, after decades of sexual free-for-most, we’re getting the word that all this fornicating has to STOP.
That’s the message spouting out of the USA’s right wing, and what a manly, thrusting, and remarkably well funded wing it is! The women of BOOO go weak at the knees just thinking about it.
For years now, BOOO (Babies Obligatory, Orgasms Optional) has been saying, in our feeble, blushing voices, that God has a purpose for sex, and it’s not pleasure, people.
Okay, He did make it feel good; even for women, which strikes us as superogatory, a word that we think means “unnecessary” and we hope will make us sound educated.
Or even molasses
In fact, in our suitably humble opinion, God slipped up and made sex feel too good. He pitched it at “box of chocolates” level, whereas “teaspoon of honey” would have served. But He also gave us will power, folks, and it’s time to start using it.
We know that better minds than ours are on the job. Much better minds. Big, robust, virile minds, throbbing with heat and passion …
But while Lush Rimbaugh and Sick Rantorum – we beg your pardon, we’re feeling a bit faint here – while Rush and Rick and their ilk have been doing God’s holy work on the airwaves, the women of BOOO have quietly and subserviently drawn up a list of the only people who, in the new Chaste Age, will be allowed to have sex.
Do you get to have sex? BOOO’s rules
- If you’re not married, no sex. End of story. No arguments! The rest of these rules apply to married people only.
- If you’re a post-menopausal woman or a man who’s married to one, stop having sex.
- If you don’t want any more babies: no sex.
- If you’re expecting a baby: no sex. (Well, duh, you’re already pregnant!)
- If you want to have a baby, go ahead and have sex, but only if the wife is ovulating. Yes, it can be hard to tell, so the men in our Science Division are hard – oh so hard! Really, you should see them! – at work on a bracelet that will flash a green light when your egg is “sperm-ready.”
- If you’re a man having trouble rising to the occasion: God is trying to tell you something. Must we spell it out? Okay: no sex.
- If you’re gay, whether “married” or not: according to distasteful research done by the men of our Science Division in many, many gay bars – research that is still ongoing, because they tell us they want to be sure – to be “queer” is to be perverted. Pray for deliverance. Meanwhile, no sex.
For men only
Wanking is a waste of sperm at the expense of spirit, as we think Shakespeare meant to say. Don’t do it. Take a cold shower! And then another! And don’t worry about what might happen when you’re asleep. Our Science Division is working on a product that will catch your stiffy in mid-tumescence and administer a short, sharp shock. After a few nights of that, you should be cured.
For women only
No wanking. Go bake something instead.
We’re here to serve – come up and see us some time!
We hope that these rules will help you. After practicing them at BOOO for several years now, men and women alike, we’ve achieved an almost completely compliant state of chastity. But our water bills are enormous and we have a large surplus of baked goods.
Zucchini bread, anyone?
Art is dangerous too and best avoided
Chocolates ad: By Jamie from Toronto, ON [CC-BY-2.0 (www.creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Shakespeare: By unbekannt nach einem Gemälde. (Carte de Visite – Foto 5,4 x 8,3 cm. Nr.1198.) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
Hawk, 1897, Popular Science Monthly, public domain