A pagoda full of haggis, olé!

January 6th, 2014 § 0

I’ve written about spam before, but the stuff continues to exert a strange fascination over me. My most recent crop – no, you wouldn’t have a crop of spam, would you – my most recent cans of spam contained items that seemed to be struggling to become a novel, like a NaNoWriMo exercise.

As I read, I found myself critiquing, in a helpful spirit, encouraging this new writer to get the story told. I hoped I was witnessing the birth of a best-seller.

Alas, but no. Read on for the story and my comments. I did a bit of punctuating and deleted the odd word, but otherwise, this story is 100% pure spam.

this scenario is very strange

“Said Ling: ‘I saw the spirit of the fog like a cocoon, like the King of the wind wrapped up. This scenario is very strange.’”

You’ve hooked me. Keep it coming.

Waiting for his sacred campus.

“Qiu Daqi, adhering to his usual righteous: ‘Caught red-handed, you dare to deny, but there are so many witnesses. Humph! Did you not know what kind of family was taught to draw your child? Or do you not want to give me a sacred campus to welcome you to this garbage?’”

Okay, so Ling has a child, and a family is drawing it, and Qiu Daqi is upset about this, and also wants a sacred campus. Got it.

“The housekeeper, Han C, panicked and said: ‘How to do? Our family how to do? These trouble-making people, audacious trouble-making people, anti-anti all backwards!’”

I’m liking the housekeeper. Good comic relief.

“Your reporter got it from the Palace-yard. It is preferred less than the King’s sinuses.”

Who’s speaking here? Qiu Daqi? Ling? The housekeeper? And I’m not sure about the King character. Is there more to him than his sinuses?

Chinese dog. Mittens no match.

“Your dog paws right up their particular mittens!”

But I’m liking the dog.

“He wanted Li Yue home to participate in the game of Clever Girl Festival.”

This Clever Girl Festival is a thing that needs to happen. Is Li Yue the child who’s being drawn by the family?

“As I need ye wad discover about that, Mrs. Saddletree, this individual disna lead to any minister with the gospel. However, I was good in mine inability to have interaction in an extramarital relationship.”

Wait a minute. You’re introducing a Scottish character?

“Saddletree would’ve noticed that the girl harboured inimicitiam contra omnes mortales.”

I’m sure he would have, but lose the Latin.

“Hae ye nae identity? D’ye feel the honor features naething altogether different to accomplish as opposed to helping you converse wi’ ilka bored tramper, and also your boyfriend throughout his particular bed furniture?”

We seem to have lost Qiu Daqi, Ling, the comic-relief housekeeper, and Li Yue. But more please on the boyfriend and his bed furniture.

“There appeared to be truth to be told there, accomplished by means of Mrs. Jesse Balchristie, the actual most-liked sultana belonging to the Laird.”

The most-liked sultana?

“Even so, Mrs. Balchristie thought of Jeanie Deans without a minor percentage of malevolence.”

Good on her, but who’s Jeanie Deans? What’s happened to the Chinese characters? I miss the dog.

“Some bonny position o’ wark the tittie, therefore you hae developed out and about, murdering ae puir wean, including your lightweight limmer of any sister’s to be hanged for’t! Gae wa’, gae wa’! ‘Hark ye,’ she announced through the screen, ‘ye auld arm or leg of Satan!’”

The Scottish dialect just isn’t working. I don’t even want to know what “o’ wark the tittie” means.

“Mrs. Balchristie appeared to be altogether busted in terms.”

So is your narrative.

“Fifteen years later, the mother returned to Spain. However, she found that her only daughter was married to a reporter who has sex with herself. So a subtle triangle relationship began to form.”

This is a total non sequitur. Juicy, though.

“Yangling said that new crops if planted open to the days of the people will be better off. Yang Hu come to their senses. In the end, what?”

What indeed.

Anti anti all backwards.

THE END

Mrs. Balchristie courtesy Wollmans Classic Prints.

 

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