I can’t say I’m happy about the way I’m portrayed in this guest post. Still, once you’ve been acquired by a cat, you learn to expect ingratitude along with vomited fur-balls and the occasional dead mouse.
But I hadn’t learned to expect that my cat might be attacked and almost killed by two dogs running off-leash, which is illegal in my town. In the two days she was missing, I got little sleep but lots of practice in putting up flyers and trying not to panic.
And then she came home: wet, dirty, and almost too weak to walk, with a nasty wound on her back and, it turned out, a badly herniated intestine because one of the dogs had picked her up in its mouth and shaken her. But she’s a trouper, and yesterday she dashed off this blog post while I was cleaning one of her two litter boxes. I said I’d publish it if she’d accept some sensible boundaries for her time outdoors.
Cats can’t actually laugh, can they?
My excruciating adventure, by Luna the cat
First there was Outdoors at Night with stars fresh air good smells and wind caressing my beautiful fur. Thank you Mother Nature.
Then there were DOGS CLAWS TEETH BARKS TERROR!
Enter Good Neighbor with loud voice and clapping hands. Exit DOGS. Thank you Good Neighbor.
Then there was Under the Car.
Then there was Secret Hiding Place where I was hurt scared thirsty cold hungry tired lonely for a long time.
Then there was Brave Expedition to Front Yard with Drip Irrigation so then hurt scared thirsty cold etc. but also wet.
Then there was Painful Limp up to Front Porch and door opened by the Maid who calls herself my Owner ha-ha that is funny but it hurts to laugh right now.
Then there was Closet with the Maid looking in periodically and cooing at me.
Then another Painful Limp to Living Room where the Maid lay down next to me to make sure I was still breathing. I have trained her well.
Then an attempt to jump on Bed not successful due to weakness from hurt scared thirsty etc. so the Maid helped me. No need to thank her that is what servants are for.
Then there was Maid on Bed beside me with gentle voice and soft touches and singing. I could have done without the singing.
Then there was sleep. Even the Maid slept for awhile and she is not very good at sleeping although I am here to show her how it is done poor thing. I do not think she is very intelligent.
Then there was Attempt to Pee on Bed foiled by the Maid so just a Boring Pee in the Litter Box then. And more sleep until morning.
Enter Maid with CAT CARRIER oh my God NO why is this happening? And then Car Ride and Vet Place.
Enter Vet who put a stick up my bum that is SO RUDE and jabbed me with needles and now a buzzing noise oh no my fur is so beautiful why are they shaving it? But on the plus side I have lost weight and the Maid is jealous.
And now Home again but the Maid says no Outdoors for now and then only Back Yard, no more Front Yard ever, but why? It is DOGS that should be INDOORS ALL OF THEM IN A CAGE! The Maid says it is for My Own Good but that is what she says about Flea Treatment so I do not believe her.
Now there is Pee on Kitchen Mat to show my displeasure at being kept indoors. My Pee is mighty and shall prevail!
Now there is Vomit on Kitchen Floor but that was an accident not a Political Statement.
More sleep.
Now there is tired weak and drugged but I am starting to feel better.
Home is safe warm food water treats soft touches and daily brushing of my beautiful fur. But also singing. But NO DOGS.
I would thank Maid for Home but that is what servants are for.
